


What to Expect When You're Expecting

by JetGirl1832, tomatopudding



Series: The Hamilton Family Album [75]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Babies, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, F/M, Family, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 11:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12816771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JetGirl1832/pseuds/JetGirl1832, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomatopudding/pseuds/tomatopudding
Summary: Those nine months easily felt like the hardest of Angie's life. Filled with ups and downs, she really didn't know what to expect.





	What to Expect When You're Expecting

November 30, 2020

"I'm not an invalid, you know," Angie said grumpily as AJ took a box from her hands for about the millionth time, "It wasn't even that heavy."

"You're pregnant," Philip said, stopping her from picking up yet another box.

"Barely," grumbled Angie. 

"Still you shouldn't be lifting like that," Philip replied, "that's why AJ and I are here to help you."

"Also because your Significant Other couldn't be here himself," AJ added. 

Angie might have been imagining it, but he sounded a little snide. 

"Something came up at work," Angie defended, "important, time-sensitive forensic tests."

"Yeah I know, lab stuff," AJ nodded.

Angie brushed off her younger brother and went to finish up with her music.

At least her brothers agreed to leave that in her capable hands. She had a very specific system to her music organization. 

 

It also kept her busy as her brothers loaded everything up. She loved them, but she couldn't help but think that about how much faster this would go if they would just let her help.

 

She was really going to miss this place, she'd loved living in Rochester.

Philip had just come back in to get more stuff, "You almost done with this?"

"In a bit," Angie replied, "I'd rather have this organized now so that all I need to do is put it onto the shelf, I've already got a few new clients for lessons lined up so I want to be ready."

"Nice," Philip nodded, Angie noticed his gaze drifting over to one of the boxes where on top sat a green lizard plush, "is that what I think it is?"

"Liszt the Lizard always sits in on my lessons," Angie replied, "the kids love him."

Philip picked up the lizard, "I'm surprised he looks as good as he does after all this time."

"Careful stain treatment," Angie told him sagely, "Also, I haven't chewed on her tail since AJ was born, so that probably helped."

"You're welcome," AJ said, "Now, what did I help with?"

"Making sure Liszt here stays in good shape," Philip chuckled.

"Glad to be of service," replied AJ with a bow, "Now, let's get the last of these boxes out."

 

"Okay," Angie nodded as she glanced around her now empty apartment, and she realized how final this was and that she wouldn't be coming back.

A sense of panic rose in her chest, but Angie did her best to push it down. She and Richie had had a long talk when Angie had found out she was pregnant. They had talked about their relationship as a whole as well as the impact a baby would have on it, even what they would do if, god forbid, Angie was to lose the baby. She felt comfortable in Richie and in their relationship. It was herself that she worried about. She'd had to go off her anti-depressants for the sake of the baby and she was just waiting to start feeling that lack.

She had already begun to feel the effects of even moving back to a lower dosage. While this had scared Angie, according to her doctor this was going to be what was best for the baby.

She was lucky to have the support system that she did, which was of course part of the reason why she was returning to the City to live with Richie.

But that didn't make this move any easier, she'd been here close to four years, it had been her home. She had friends and a musical community here, a life. Angie took a deep breath. There was no reason to lose those people from her life. She had contact information from everybody and a standing invite from the orchestra director to return as a guest artist any time she wanted.

Still, in a way it was the end, she hoped to be able to return at least once before the baby was born but she was going to have to wait and see.

"Come on Ange!" Pip called, "we have to get on the road soon!"

Angie gave one last, long look at her apartment. The first and last apartment to ever be hers alone. She locked the door behind her when she left. 

 

\----------

December 31, 2020

Richie helped Angie into her coat as they said their final goodbyes to his coworkers. The New Year's Eve party had certainly been fun. Angie really got along with all the other forensic techs and police officers that Richie frequently worked with, but she was definitely reaching the end of her rope. Her feet hurt and her back hurt and honestly she was tired of being social. Nobody blamed them for leaving early, of course.

Besides she did want to spend some of the evening with it just being her and Richie. The clock was running down on the time they would get to spend just the two of them and Angie was determined to make the most of it.

With one final handshake, they were out the door and into the cold winter air. Angie laced her fingers with Richie's as they started making their way towards the subway station, which was thankfully in the opposite direction of Times Square. 

 

Just as they turned the corner towards the station Angie caught sight of one of the few shops still lit up with bright neon signs. It was a tattoo parlor. 

Now Angie herself wasn't unfamiliar with tattoos, she had two herself, one behind her ear and one on her back stretching from the bottom of her shoulder blades to her waist.

 

She'd been thinking if getting another tattoo for a while and had actually been about to do it when this whole pregnancy thing started happening. The desire hadn't actually gone away and now she was struck with an idea.

"Hey Richie," Angie tugged at the sleeve of of his jacket, "mind if we stop for a moment?"

"Sure," Richie shrugged, "what is it?"

Angie peered into the parlor. There was a female artist, her hair still showing remnants of bright turquoise hair dye, leaning against the front counter as she sketched out something on the paper in front of her with a slight smile. 

"We should get tattoos," Angie said.

As she pulled him forward Angie felt Richie pull her back, "What is it? I mean if you're worried about the pain trust me it's not that bad."

"That's not it," Richie said, "I'm confused. Why tattoos? Why now?"

"I just think it could be nice," Angie replied with a slight shrug, "a band of some kind around our ring fingers."

It was obvious that Richie understood the implication of that specific placement. After their decision to stay together and keep the baby, Richie had tried again to ask Angie to marry him and once again she had refused. It just wasn't something that she felt a desire to do. This could be a nice alternative, a way to show their connection.

"Really?" Richie asked.

"I mean I don't really want to be with anyone other than you," Angie's flushed, "and whoever said diamonds are forever obviously never had a tattoo."

"Wait, we have to think about this," Richie said, and then when Angie's face fell he rushed to continue, "I want to do it. I really do. But is it safe for you to get a tattoo while you're pregnant?"

Angie's brow furrowed when she realized that she had no idea.

"I ummm..."

"Maybe let's hold off until you find out," Richie squeezed her hand.

"I suppose," Angie said slowly, still looking into the shop. 

She finally started walking again when Richie tugged gently on her hand. 

"What would you want to get?" he asked. 

"Something simple," replied Angie, "but unique."

 

"Knowing you, you'll find something perfect," Richie smiled.

 

They continued the rest of the way home in comfortable silence accompanied by the rattle of the subway and the sounds of people chattering drunkenly as they prepared to bring in the New Year. 

 

Once they got back to Richie's apartment it took Angie no time at all to shed her shoes.

"This feels so much better," Angie sighed shrugging off her coat as well.

 

Richie took the coat from her with a quick kiss. 

"Go put on your PJs," he said, "I'll get the Times Square broadcast setup and pour us some sparkling cider."

"Sounds like the most perfect New Years Eve ever," Angie smiled.

By the time she returned in her comfortable flannel, the tv was on with the volume low and Richie had set the bottle along with two champagne flutes and a box of chocolates. Angie popped one into her mouth and made a pleased hum at the smooth caramel that emerged when she bit down.

She then proceeded to make herself comfortable on the couch.

"You need to at least leave a little room for me," Richie sighed.

"There's plenty of room," Angie insisted, lifting her feet and wiggling her toes. 

Richie chuckled and shook his head but came to sit on the couch with Angie's feet resting in his lap. Angie smiled as she stretched out again, enjoying a sip of sparkling cider.

"So, Ms. Hamilton," Richie said, "do you consent to be my midnight kiss to bring in the new year?"

"I suppose," Angie sighed. 

Richie raised an eyebrow and she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Very mature," he deadpanned.

"But you love me," Angie shot back. 

Richie squeezed Angie's ankle affectionately, "Yes I do."

Angie just barely was able to stay up and watch as the ball dropped and the real partying began. She was roused from her doze by Richie's gentle kiss on her forehead. 

"Let's get you to bed," he said softly, holding out both hands to help her get to her feet.

"Do I have to?" Angie pouted.

"You'll be much more comfortable," Richie assured her as she stood.

They made their way to the bedroom, Angie yawning widely as they went. Richie pulled back the covers and helped her into bed and onto her left side with a pillow between her knees, as the doctor had instructed was best.

Angie muttered something but Richie wasn't sure just what because shortly after she'd drifted off to sleep.

\----------

January 14, 2021

Angie longed to unwrap the covering that hid her new ring tattoo from sight. She knew the aftercare rules, though, so she resisted the urge. It turned out that there was no problem with Angie getting a tattoo while pregnant, especially one as small as she wanted. Thankfully she was a quick healer and it would be mostly healed before they all went out for Philip's birthday.

"These are going to look amazing when they heal," Angie said, grinning at Richie, who was sporting a similar wrapping around own left ring finger. 

They had ended up taking a combination of two ideas, one of Richie's and one of Angie's. Richie had been very interested in getting a kind of Celtic knot, while Angie had had the idea to have use the imprint of their baby's heartbeat. Liam, who was already quite an artist despite being only fourteen years old, had helped them create a design that used both. Angie had even gotten an idea for her next tattoo when they were looking at various Celtic knots.

But that one she decided could wait on, "Happy Birthday," she leaned in and kissed Richie's cheek.

It was a little awkward to hold hands, since they both had sore fingers, so Richie hooked their elbows together instead and pulled her close.

Angie rest her head on his shoulder, "What do you say we finish the day with hot chocolate and cake?"

"Sounds perfect," Richie agreed.

They made their way back to Angie's favorite bakery where they ordered their food. But Angie simply couldn't resist asking the waitress to put a candle on top of Richie's piece of cake. Richie rolled his eyes fondly before blowing out the candle.

"What was your wish?" Angie asked.

"If I tell you, it won't come true," Richie replied.

"Oh come on," Angie pouted.

"Wish rules," Richie said, taking a forkful of cake, "I didn't make them up."

"Yeah well when was the last time any of your wishes actually came true?" Angie raised her brow.

"Well I'm dating you, aren't I," he told her.

Angie blinked for a second, "You're kidding right?"

"You know," Richie said, poking his fork in her direction, "I'm just trying to be cute and I really don't appreciate your attitude."

"That's part of the package deal, babe," Angie snagged another bite of cake, "if you want me you get the sass too."

"The things I put up with," Richie sighed dramatically.

Angie couldn't help but laugh a little bit at Richie's response.

\----------

January 27, 2021

It had been a thankfully light caseload, so Richie was able to leave work a few hours earlier than usual. After nearly a week of days full to the brim, it was a godsend to have some time to breathe. Not to mention, more time spent with Angie. When he got home, however, Richie could tell almost right away that today had been a Bad Day.

It was mostly the little things that gave it away, a mug of coffee that had been clearly forgotten and untouched, the unread newspaper and mail still waiting in the box.

"Ange?" Richie called out. He received no response. 

Richie took a moment to pour out the coffee and fill the mug with soapy water before he made his way to their bedroom. Despite the coffee saying otherwise, Angie looked like she hadn't moved since he'd kissed her cheek on his way out that morning. 

It wasn't a secret that Angie lived with BPD. Over their time together, she had grown more comfortable in talking with him about it and what it did to her. Usually, her carefully tested, planned, and consistent pill regimen kept her stable, but for the health of the baby she had had to slowly wean herself off of the medication completely. Most days were fine, but sometimes they weren't. On those days, all Richie could do was do everything in his power to help her through and to know that sometimes no matter what he did she would not feel better until it passed on its own. 

Angie's eyes were closed, but it was obvious by the pattern of her breath that she wasn't asleep. Richie put aside his satchel and went to sit on the edge of the bed. 

"Hey," he murmured, "Can I touch you?"

After getting a slight of agreement, Richie reached out to cup her face, his thumb stroking gently along her cheekbone. Angie heaved a sigh and nuzzled slightly into his touch. 

 

There was the smallest trace of a smile on Angie's face that quickly vanished as her eyes opened.

"Hey," her voice was dry and scratchy.

 

"What's going on?" he asked gently. He didn't bother asking her how she was feeling, he knew what the answer would be. 

Angie groaned low in her throat. 

"Noted. Have you eaten anything today?"

Angie shook her head. Richie was expecting that.

"Would you like me to get you something?" Richie asked.

When no answer was forthcoming, Richie tried a different tactic. 

"How about some grilled cheese and tomato soup," he offered, only half in question.

Angie nodded her head in response.

"Alright," Richie got off the bed, "I'll be back in a bit.

Angie murmured in acquiesce and her eyes closed once again. Richie could only hope that with a little food in her Angie might at least be more willing to talk with him. In Angie's case there really was only so much good that could come from fresh air and deep breathing. He set about making the food. It wasn't anything fancy, he wasn't Eli, but it was tasty enough.

When he was done he put it all together for Angie, it always hurt to see her like this, but it hurt even more to know there wasn't much he could do. 

"Be there for her," Richie muttered, repeating words Philip had told him.

It was the only thing he could do. He couldn't get frustrated, Angie couldn't help it when this happened to her. He just had to stay strong and give her what she needed, to take care of her and their baby. 

"Ange," Richie spoke up before entering their room, slightly relieved to notice that Angie was at least sitting up now.

 

The tiniest of smiles flickered on Angie's lips, but it seemed to take a lot of effort. Richie smiled back and placed the tray of food on the bedside table to he could help her get slightly more upright. 

"Very few things are as good for the soul as grilled cheese and tomato soup," Richie began to speak, "some people think it's chicken soup but I disagree."

He sat on the edge of the bed again by Angie's hip. 

"There's just something so homey about tomato soup," he continued, "and nothing beats cheese when you want to feel good inside."

He watched as she just looked down at the soup for a moment. Angie closed her eyes as she breathed in the smell and she seemed to relax slightly as she took the grilled cheese, tore off a hunk and dipped it in soup.

Richie resisted the urge to tell her that she was doing a good job. Patronizing platitudes would help nothing right now. He simply sat beside her and pointedly didn't stare while she ate. Angie managed nearly an entire half of the sandwich and a good portion of the soup before she turned away from the food. 

As Richie was beginning to stand to take the leftovers back to the kitchen, Angie's grabbed the hem of his shirt. 

"Stay," she said plaintively. 

"Okay..." Richie put the dishes back down and sat back down.

 

"Stay," Angie insisted, tugging on his shirt again and scooting backwards to make space. 

Richie got the hint and slipped his shoes off before laying down. It was difficult to get as close as he wanted to with the size of Angie's belly, but he did he best he could, especially considering that she was under the blankets and he was on top of them. 

Angie shifted so that her head was resting against his chest and let out a deep sigh as if she was letting out nearly all the anxiety that had been plaguing her for who knew how long.

 

It would take time for the badness of the day to pass, Richie knew. But when it did, he would be there. And when the badness came again he would still be there. 

 

\----------

July 10, 2021

For Eliza summer had always meant spending more time with her kids; playing, going to the zoo and museums, eating ice cream quickly so that it didn't drip on their fingers. This summer, however, she had the added bonus of having two brand new grandchildren to shower attention on as well.

 

It brought her joy to see her family continue to grow, and Philip had certainly taken to fatherhood quite easily. Not a day passed when she didn't get a text with a picture of Philip and Tyler. Not that she didn't get pictures of Lexi from Angie too, just fewer of them. Which was why she made her mission to see her granddaughter in person on all the days she didn't get a picture. 

 

Such as what she was doing today as she rode out on a train towards where Angie and Richie's apartment, casually flipping through a magazine she'd snagged from the newsstand.

She was timing it perfectly too. She would get to the apartment just after the afternoon nap, which would ensure prime Lexi time. 

Eliza glanced at her watch one more time as she got off train and walked briskly, the day was hot but the weather was still pleasant as she approached the building. Eliza used her spare key instead of ringing the bell, just in case nap time had extended longer than usual. The quiet apartment confirmed this theory and Eliza set down her purse before making her way to the bedroom. The door was opened partially as Eliza peered in through the gap.

Angie had gone down the same route as Eliza herself had followed and decided to use the family bed method, having the baby sleep with them in the bed. Lexi was awake, her big eyes wide as she squirmed. Closer inspection proved that Angie was also awake, her own wide eyes unseeing although they were directed towards the baby.

Eliza furrowed her brow, she knew Angie was struggling with motherhood, she'd been concerned before Lexi was born and some of those worries had not gone away. Eliza had figured that this was likely heightened levels of anxiety that Angie was unfortunately already prone too but something didn't seem quite right. 

The look on her face and the blankness in her gaze was more than just the usual new mother exhaustion. 

"Angie?" Eliza shuffled in, "Sweetie how are you doing?"

Angie blinked, startled from her vacancy, and gave Eliza a tired smile. 

"Hi," she said.

At the sound of her mother's voice, Lexi turned her head slightly and made a happy noise. Angie slowly sat up and scooped Lexi up in her arms gently.

 

"Hey, you," she murmured, "Hungry?"

Once Lexi was happily nursing, Angie turned her focus back to Eliza. 

"When did you get here?"

"Just now," Eliza replied, climbing into the bed beside her daughter and pulling the blanket over both of their legs. 

Angie gave a small sigh and leaned her shoulder against Eliza's.

 

"So how is little Lexi?" Eliza beamed at her granddaughter running a soothing hand through Angie's hair being reminded of when their family consisted of just her, Alex and Philip. Those early days of being a mother were not easily forgotten, and she remembered how stressful it was.

"She's fine," Angie nodded adjusting her position slightly, "at her last doctor's appointment they said she's doing well in terms of growth."

"Good," Eliza replied, "and sweetheart, how are you doing?"

"Fine," Angie replied mildly, "it's all fine."

Eliza didn't believe that for a minute.

"Angie," Eliza replied sternly, but not in a scolding manner, more of that she wanted to know what was really on her daughter's mind.

"I'm just tired, Mama," said Angie, "you should know why, you've done it enough times."

She chuckled lightly.

"I know sweetie," Eliza kissed her daughter's forehead, "but I just want to make sure you really are okay, I know how hard this has been on you. Besides, I need to give a good report to your father, you know how he gets."

"He worries too much," Angie said, but it didn't have the teasing tone she usually had when she said such things. 

"He only worries because he cares," Eliza replied, "and I care too."

 

"Everything is fine, mom," insisted Angie, "I'm just tired, that's all. I just need," she shrugged, "I don't know what I need."

"Maybe it's time to find out?" Eliza asked.

"I don't know what that means," Angie said. 

Lexi had finished nursing and was now obviously awake and ready for the afternoon. 

"I need to pee," mumbled Angie, gently placing Lexi in Eliza's arms and rolling out of bed. 

Eliza gave her a few moments, noting that the bathroom door didn't close and no sounds emerged from within. Carefully she got out of the bed, cradling Lexi against her chest as she padded to the bathroom. 

Angie was leaning over the sink, her shoulders hunched and shaking as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Sweetie," Eliza said in a hushed voice. 

"I can't do this," sniffled Angie, "I just feel like I need a break, I need to get away from Lexi before I snap," her voice broke on the last word, "What kind of mom am I? How can a be a mom if I feel this way and she's only two months old?"

Eliza took a moment to choose her words carefully.

"Angie, I think you need to talk with your therapist, and if you want I could go with you-" she noticed her daughter about to respond and rushed to continue,"Before you make a comment about how you're twenty-seven and don't need me to do this, I don't want to hear it. I think you and I both know this is more than the usual stuff."

Other than heaving a shuddering sigh, Angie was silent. Her eyes were red, but the tears had stopped. After a long moment, she spoke. 

"I tried so hard," she said, "for it not to be more than the usual. I thought that maybe I could be strong enough to make it through this."

"Asking for help isn't a weakness," Eliza told her, "I know you know that."

Angie slowly nodded her head in response, "I know."

"So you think that this is something we can do?" Eliza asked, "Get you some help, at least so you don't feel so miserable?"

Angie sniffled, "I'm just worried that they'll want to put me straight back on my meds. I can't take them and also breastfeed, but I was to breastfeed. It's better for Lexi."

"True," conceded Eliza, "but it's also important to take into account what's best for you. Look at me Ange," she urged. "Your health is just as important as Lexi's, if it means that you have to be put on meds again and put her on formula it won't be the end of the world."

Angie breathed deeply through her nose and let it out of her mouth in a steady stream. 

"Yeah," she agreed, "yeah."

"Screw anyone who tries to mommy shame you," Eliza added for good measure.

The bluntness of her mother's statement caught Angie off guard as she raised her brow.

"Do you know where I'd be if I listened to everyone who said I was raising all of you wrong?" Eliza asked.

"Where?" Angie asked.

"Probably would have stopped after you, Pip and AJ, when I was pregnant with Jamie was when people really started to get nasty in their comments about how many kids we had," Eliza admitted, "and I would have been worried 24/7, not just over how I was raising you, but what other people think. You're Lexi's mother, and you may not feel it now, but you do know what's right for her."

Angie giggled slightly, "I can't imagine you having less than the seven of us. You were a great mom."

"Thank you, sweetie," Eliza said, "You are also a great mom. And don't you forget it."

Angie nodded her head, "I won't."

"And you promise to get some more help so that we can have you feeling better?" Eliza asked.

Angie nodded again, "I promise."

"Good," Eliza smiled.


End file.
